Professor Max, Parte Doo

The Professor.

The Professor.

You may recall that The Professor recently waxed eloquent in his presentation about the similarities of dog and guys.

Some wondered if he would address the similarities between cats and the fairer gender.

Some opined that topic would be too controversial. Some said the malt needs to check his male canine privilege at the door to the dog house.

Some said. “Yeah, Max, go get ‘em.”

It was not easy to decide if Max’s cat/woman post should grace these pages. It is not our intent to ignite, let alone fan, the fires of controversy.

This is, after all, a silly dog blog but we have a strong sense of fairness here Within the K Streets. So be gone caution! We spit in the wind, tug Superman’s cape and otherwise flaunt Jim Croce’s admonitions to present Professor Max’s latest silly-bus:

WHAT CATS AND WOMEN HAVE IN COMMON

“Cats are like women–we may fart, but it’s quiet, polite, dignified, and never in public.” – Justine Lee, Author

1  A cat accepts no master, essentially because it does not trust anyone it perceives as less intelligent, which comprises 100% of the world’s inhabitants.

2  Cats are obsessed about matters of personal hygiene, constantly preening, cleaning, trimming, nipping and tucking.

3  Cats always want what they cannot have. You, sir, may not touch her secret inventory of chocolate on pain of death but she feels 100% entitled to all of your possessions from your favorite tee shirt to those Costco oatmeal-raisin cookies that you love so dearly.

4  A cat knows immediately whose lap it will sit in as soon as it walks into a room, a behavior also seen in every bar and cocktail lounge in town.

5  Whenever you are busy the cat will want your attention, but the moment you want to cuddle, the cat will be asleep, hiding, and half-baked on catnip or not in the mood.

6  A cat will blame others for everything that goes wrong in its life. From belly bloat to car accidents, it is not the cat’s fault and someone must be held accountable.

7  Rubbing against you is an expression of ownership. (See previous comment about behavior in bars.)

8  Cats demand, expect and get compliance to a schedule that is based solely on their needs and desires.

9  Once you bring a cat into your home everything that’s yours also belongs to the cat. Everything brought into the house from that point forward also belongs to the cat, if the cat decides it wants it.

10  Cats can verbalize hundreds of distinct sounds and insist on demonstrating that ability at every opportunity, especially during the final moments of a close football game or boxing match and when trying to fall asleep.

11  Cats always intrude in places you don’t want them. No secret stash of contraband is safe if a cat is in the house. Cats take it as a personal challenge to find what is being hidden.

12  Cats enjoy playing with their prey before delivering the coup de grace and consider that old movie title “Every Which Way But Loose” as an instruction when dealing with lesser species, which are all of them.

13  You can try to boss a cat around. The attempt will end badly, probably painfully, but you can try.

14  No matter what food is set before it, the cat will deliver just the slightest look of disdain that suggests something better could have been provided had only a little more effort been applied.

15  Cats have a high fluid content which accounts for how they can drape themselves over chair arms and laps and still look comfortable.

16  Cats love to play games and pursue elusive prizes be they red laser dots or a Michael Kors handbag.

17  When very content and secure, a cat may gain a lot of weight and become inactive.

18  Demonstrating too much eagerness when first meeting a cat will often send it scurrying away and possibly hissing at the same time.

19  Cats like to bring home presents, often horrifying presents. They love to nurture and nurse and will inevitably bond to those for whom they care.

20  Nobody really understands much about cats, least of all that crazy paw-kneading stuff, but everyone accepts that life is better for their presence. Sometimes.

In closing, The Professor would like to note that the correct term when referring to a group of cats is a “clowder” although there are two other proper ways to refer to a group of cats; namely a “clutter” of cats and a “glaring” of cats.

So sayeth the Oxford Dictionary.

This entry was posted in Max's Stories and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Professor Max, Parte Doo

  1. Haha! I’ll excuse the sweeping sexist generalisations this time because that did make me laugh! I tweeted it… That’s a big compliment!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hmmm…I don’t recall you mentioning “sweeping sexist generalisations” when commenting on the earlier post about the shared characteristics of men and dogs.

      It’s OK. Since we spell it “generalizations” over here, I didn’t take any offense.🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. loisajay says:

    Spot on, Max! Oh, the kneading–like at 10 at night just as I am dozing off. Yeah, Kitty, that spot right at the nape of my neck…now more to the right…🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Top marks to the Prof…still laughing!
    Re no 15…does this apply to behaviour in bars too or am I watching the wrong sort of films?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Far be it from me to critique your taste in films, Helen. Besides, you watch those flicks where the actors don’t speak English. Furrin Films, I think they’re called. I do think that enough of the right type of liquids will cause any of us to drape over something.

      Like

  4. Kyla says:

    The blame part is right. There was the case of a certain teen aged daughter who rear ended another car at a stop sign. It was because the painted white stripe on the street was slick.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. kerbey says:

    I would argue that a group of cats would be called “too many,” but that’s a catty thing to say.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Oh man, I can definitely see lots of fur flying on this one. But then there’s peals of laughter too so well done, Professor Max. Can’t. stop. giggling. about 3, 5, 7, 8…oh hell most of them and I’m guessing that the whole ‘draping thing’ (#15) isn’t too possible at my age.🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • If you are not draping, you need to recalibrate the quantity and potency of the liquids consumed. You are never too old to” drape.”

      Besides, Sam tells me stories in private that suggest Shakespeare (“Bill” to me) had the hang of it in act III, scene II of Hamlet, where Queen Gertrude says, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks”

      Like

  7. Genis says:

    I see I may have to be very careful here, but I thought I’d just mention that I happen to like Our Cat … maybe I’m just saying this to score Brownie points with my Mom.

    Like

  8. Jay says:

    Professor Max, I wish I could fix you up with Gertie, attorney-dog-at-law.

    Like

    • A law dog? Puppy Counsel? Jay, we need to hear more, much more, about this attorney-dog-at-law. Where can we get details about the lovely Gertie? Loved your movie reviews blog but there was a scarcity of dogs!

      Like

All comments are welcome, so speak! Speak! Good dog.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s