My $1,000 Toilet Seat

It looks so innocent for something that just (cough) flushed a grand out of my wallet.

It looks so innocent for something that just (cough) flushed a grand out of my wallet.

UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE!

You guys giggled about my purchase of this noble throne but the headline of our local paper today proclaims:

Hyatt Waikiki’s $100M renovation includes Japanese toilets

The story (behind a paywall) goes on to tout the many benefits and attractions of the super flusher.

So neener, neener, neener…I was just ahead of my time.

——————————————-

This whole thing began because the Alpha Japanese Female (AJF) believes that the Western world is inhabited by barbarians who do not appreciate the finer points of excretion. You see, in Japan, the majority of households have a “Washlette,” a technologically advanced magic toilet seat. Perhaps you’ve seen or experienced a Japanese wonder toilet seat. No doubt you’ve heard of them. They have remote control devices that offer more water features than the fountains at the Bellagio, heated seats, bidet functions and built-in deodorizer fans. Some models play whooshing white noise in an effort to obscure other, more ebullient sounds and some boast seats that respectfully rise as you approach them. Night lights, too.

Toto means very expensive toilet seat in Japanese.

Toto means very expensive toilet seat in Japanese.

The Washlette was invented in 1982 by Japanese company, Toto. Today, more than 70 percent of Japanese homes now feature a toilet seat with enhanced capabilities. In contrast, only 30 percent have a dishwasher. That statistic clearly indicates the priority Japanese have about washing things, but I digress. Not so in ‘Murika where we rate our toilet seats on functionality and weight bearing capacity, as opposed to luxury. Even in Hawaii with our high Asian population, my very informal survey, conducted with the utmost discretion, indicates most of our toilets cannot perform tricks. This is kind of odd. We spend so much cash on granite counters, stainless steel refrigerators and hardwood floors but so little on a little basic ass comfort. As the AJF points out, either we are barbarians or maybe we are just ignorant of the benefits a Toto can provide. So let me tell you about my $1,000 toilet seat.

Always polite, the Japanese models use the toilet fully dressed. The details are left to your imagination.

Always polite, the Japanese models use the toilet fully dressed. The details are left to your imagination.

Having finally acceded to the AJF’s demands to upgrade our commode status, we visited our local Washlette showroom and browsed the various models, an experience that inevitably led to bad jokes, immature behavior and embarrassing questions. For example, I referred to the toilet seats as “Japanese picture frames” which got me a swift whack across the back of my head. The salesman was a pro and simply smiled politely at our nonsense. We quickly concluded that if digital defecation was the objective, so to speak, we wanted the top-of-the-line model. $1,021.00 plus tax. Being a canny shopper with Amazon Prime I was able to bag the toilet seat for $780.00 including free delivery. But…it’s not that simple. One needs to have a special electrical outlet in proximity to the throne which set us back another $300.00. After that, I was comfy doing the rest of the installation myself and it was a snap. So what does a grand worth of Japanese picture frame get you? First of all, we skipped the automatic lid lifting feature. We quickly realized that there were two scenarios involving the small white dog. The first was that he would be terrified of the automatic device; the second was that he would think it was entertaining. Neither option appealed. Fortunately Max is too short to be a bowl drinker, if you know what  mean and I think you do. As you approach the toilet, the Washlette turns on a bowl light and sprays the inside of the toilet with a preparatory mist of electrolyzed water. This magic elf water is said to keep the bowl cleaner – the manual euphemistically says it repels “dirt.”

More controls than the Starship Enterprise.

More controls than the Starship Enterprise.

OK, we’re going to get graphic about the Washlette’s more, uh, intimate functions. The timid and those with weak stomachs are advised to turn back now. Did I mention that the seat is heated? Oh yeah, baby, and your posterior meat never realized how good that feels until you’ve given it a try. Smush your butt ham on to that elongated oval and settle in. Using the Washlette’s remote, you can adjust the seat’s temperature up or down until your haunches are happy. When the time comes, there’s the bidet function, the killer app of Toto’s masterpiece. The “money shot.” This is why one goes “top of the line.” For reasons unknown, most Americans seem to be intimidated, perhaps fearful, of a “bidet.” Why is that, do you suppose? Is it the French name? Maybe it’s that Puritan ethic that drives us to eschew a warm, moist butt-cleaning and stick with dry paper that often has the texture of tree bark. Do we feel a need to punish ourselves for the nasty act? Maybe we think that paying attention to this bodily function is somehow deviant or a waste of time better spent on other bodily parts like nose hair?

Metaphorical description of the bidet function on the

Metaphorical description of the bidet function on the “high” setting.

Unlike our brethren in Europe and Asia, ‘Murikans won’t even accept moist towelettes in lieu of the dry stuff. A market survey showed that moist wipes are only 3 percent of U.S. toilet paper sales and, of households that do buy moist toilet paper, 54 percent hide it out of sight in a bathroom cabinet. This makes no sense, particularly when no one would forego baby wipes and treat their newborn to dry wad. Go figure. But, back to the bidet. It’s awesome. Hands free, with a steady stream. A pressure washer for your undercarriage. There are two positions: “front” and “rear” ( I think the latter designation is a Toto pun but can’t prove it.) The front position uses an icon of a lady perched on the seat while the rear features a male icon. Do I need to spell this out any further? I thought not. You may augment the liquid cleansing process with dry paper if you wish, in whichever sequence you desire. Oh yeah, you can also use the remote to control the pressure of the flow and the water temperature. You want a gentle spring shower, no problem. A master blaster gushing an outpour like a Yellowstone geyser, you got it. There are buttons to modify the oscillating or pulsing characteristics and even the position where the spray makes its lunar landing on your moon. The remote allows two people to program their preferred settings so a single touch activates the perfect cleaning cycle. A bull’s-eye every time.

Like a warm hug from Tokyo.

Like a warm hug from Tokyo.

When clean, the Toto will treat the user to its “drying cycle” which features an airflow adjustable from summer breeze to Class 5 Typhoon and cool zephyr to roast-your-buns in temperature. As you leave, the toilet whispers “sayonara.” Nah…I made that last part up. Being a polite blogger I will spare you my more personal experiences and observations except to say I cannot now conceive of life without my $1,000 toilet seat. It may be as close as I will ever come to life among the 1%ers. More importantly, the adage “Happy wife, happy life” has again been validated. Join movement

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53 Responses to My $1,000 Toilet Seat

  1. Kismet says:

    Did you ever think of working for the Federal Gov’t? You beat them with room to spare.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toilet_seat#US_Navy.27s_.22.24600_Toilet_Seat.22

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My husband takes long enough to do his business in the bathroom. He doesn’t need ANOTHER reason to camp out. Nor does he need ANOTHER remote. Or ANOTHER gadget to take apart/put back together. I am going to make sure he doesn’t see this post!😉

    Like

    • Indeed, I wonder what the data miners at Google and Amazon have deduced from this purchase? Normally Amazon is my go-to for Kindle books, dog treats and gifts for the grand-girls. The toilet seat will skew that purchasing profile mightily.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Trick performing toilets? NO way!🙂 My god, if we got any specialized toilet, my son would never leave the bathroom. (knock, knock, knock… whatya doin’ in there.)

    Flop
    https://flipflopseveryday.wordpress.com/

    Liked by 1 person

    • There may be an ejection seat feature to expel sitters who overstay their allotted time? Like the car seat in the James Bond films.

      Which reminds me of the story about the three seashells in “Demolition Man” but let’s save that for another time.

      Like

  4. kerbey says:

    That is very fancy. My first concern would be that it would overspray your area. Let us suppose that a user only had a wet area the size of a dime in the first place. Why bother getting a pancake-size area wet? I don’t need MORE wetness. Often, just a dab’ll do. Also, our water bills are in the hundreds, so we try to conserve as much water as possible. Do you suppose that saves more than flushing a few gallons, all told? And I like to get in and get out in less than one minute. Who has time to sit around, waiting for parts to dry? It’s like waiting FOREVER for the car wash to dry your car. I just say screw it and drive away. Isn’t hot water and soap what baths are for?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Think of the seat as providing options. You can go full manual and turn off all the features. You can go full-on and experience a complete spa for your cheeks or anything in-between. The facts are that the Washlette produces a superior level of clean and could probably ease those pesky posterior cactus burns common to Texan folks. I bet if you gave it a chance you would tell the Hubster to trade in those kitchen appliances and that Nutri-bullet and get you a magic toilet seat.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I leave the internet for a week or so…and what do I find you doing on my return? Can’t leave you unattended for a moment.
    Considering the problems I have with a ‘notebook’ – can’t scroll, get two screens instead of one, lose everything in mid message – can you just imagine what would happen if I installed one of these all singing all dancing loos?
    I can. Too horrible to contemplate. A cross between Niagara in full flow and a Kraken rising from the whirlpool.
    But most unfair to deprive Max of the seat that rises to welcome you: he would love it…invite his friends…have parties…

    Liked by 3 people

    • Your absence was noted. The Japanese are very clever with this technology. It’s made to be very user friendly which is important considering the opportunities for misadventure inherent in a product of this type. One can always hit the “off” switch and revert to manual mode. Americans are very resistant to adopting this particular luxury while 70% of Japanese homes think they are a necessity for personal hygiene. I’m not sure of the implications. Maybe we in the West are just a proud, stubborn, tough-butted crew.

      Like

    • Get one, Helen. Trust me. Get one. Your life will never be the same.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. W.o.w…there just are no words to describe that purchase. I now better understand why my friend in Japan is pulling out her hair with recycling. They have a very twisted methodology for doing things there and while that seat is unbelievably advanced (who am I kidding, that seat is light years away from anything I’ve seen or experienced before!), trash and recycling is so freakin’ weird. It’s always a ring around the cultures with you, isn’t it?😉 Cheers for a splendid weekend.🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Japanese recycling programs are a bit Byzantine what with the requirements to separate combustibles from wet goods, various plastics by type, metal, wood, paper, food scraps, etc., an then know how to wrap and deposit them and on which day of the week. At many McDonalds they recycle the ice in your drink. So far there is no recycling feature on the Toto Wonder Washlette and for that we can be forever thankful.

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Kat says:

    Oooo, warm seat, warm water. Wait, come to think of it, I’d probably fall asleep and drown, albeit gently.

    Liked by 2 people

    • See, here we have a refined European lady who recognizes the value of this fine personal product. I swear, my fellow ‘Murikans, we don’t get hazard duty pay for abrasion wounds so why fight the future? Relax, enjoy a bit of the Sybaritic lifestyle, maybe have a nice glass of Gewurztraminer while attending to the daily functions. Life is short.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. ergozen says:

    Thank you for making me smile today. Peace….

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Lesley says:

    Fascinated by it all. Why/How does the diagramatical Man use the appliance with his trousers on and do you have to provide a ‘seal’ with bottom and thighs to prevent wet floors?
    We often see UTube shows of cats using a lavatory rather than a litter tray -as nature intended- is there a pet function?

    Liked by 1 person

    • To my knowledge there is no pet function. The bidet for a dog would shoot the water stream parallel to the ground and I could see that getting a bit messy. Then there is the whole thing about positioning the tail. I just don’t think it would work. As to the icons, I found them funny, too, a triumph of politeness over common sense. I guess a clothed model is preferable to one with the bits hanging about and that’s about as far as I’m going with this discussion.🙂

      Like

  10. MythRider says:

    May Max sit like a king.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. MythRider says:

    As an after thought: If I had $780 I’d fly to Hawaii and visit Max.
    I’ve never been to Hawaii, but I do have a throne.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. One week using the Toto in the home of our Taiwanese friends = immediate purchase upon returning to the USA. Immediately!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. roweeee says:

    Absolutely loved reading this and smiled or laughed the whole way through. Sine you showed me yours, thought I’d better show you mine. Well, it’s not mine exactly but it’s the you beaut loo down at Milson’s Point, just underneath the Sydney Harbour Bridge. It plays music and talks to you. Quite clever. No bidet service. Here’s the link:https://beyondtheflow.wordpress.com/2012/07/08/walking-to-luna-park/
    I wrote it 3 years ago and it was one of my first posts xx Rowena

    Liked by 1 person

    • Having read of the glories of the Exyloo (great name btw) I am of the mind that these should be available in all busy public locations although the price per flush, so to speak, is probably prohibitive, especially with government construction. I fondly recall Luna Park and used to traipse over there from time to time but I never saw the super-loo area that you described.

      Liked by 1 person

      • roweeee says:

        I was at the pharmacy this morning, and the pharmacist was talking about his special $1000 goose down doona, at which point, I told him about your toilet. I thought they were pretty much on par for luxury and cost.
        By the way, my uncle was given a cast iron doona for his 21st. I am only 10 years younger than him and it made quite an impact on me at the time. It was a sheet of corrugated iron. Can’t get much more Australian than that xx Rowena

        Liked by 1 person

  14. I think I want one of those.

    Like

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